I very seriously contemplated not writing this post.
It crossed my mind that sometimes discretion is best achieved when certain topic are not discussed at all, even in a completely hypothetical or vague setting.
I also considered the nature of the subject(s) I would be writing about and whether it would be appropriate for me to write them on my blog.
Plus, it'll be a little difficult for me to inject humor or sarcasm into the subject matter at hand, and who likes to read posts that aren't funny... right?
But here's the deal folks, after weighing my options I came to the indefinite conclusion that I couldn't not write this post because of the nature of the subject, and because of the seriousness of the topic, and because I will be able to be as vague and hypothetical as I wish.
I also feel the need to write about it because it happened and it has made a huge impact on my life, and because this blog is a blog to document this journey that I'm on... whether I like it or not.. I'm going to blog about it.
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Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes we do bad things (whether we do them knowingly or not). And sometimes? Sometimes people do bad things to us.
In these situations our first instincts are either to become angry, vengeful, bitter, and calloused, or to become mournful, self-pitied, and grieving. In all of these states of mind there is one common thread: we are focused on ourselves. When our focus is turned internally what are we able to see?
Our hurt?
Our anger?
Our plans for revenge?
...how does any of that help us in our times of deepest anguish?
Recently my friend Janice was...
...
...
No.
Recently I was able to experience one of life's suckiest experiences involving someone I cared deeply about, trusted whole heatedly, and believed would not be capable of doing what he did to me.
Y'all guessed it!
Heartbreak.
Shall we call our dear breaker-upper Chester? :)
Now seriously... how easy would it be to...
a. crawl into bed and mourn over the loss of our relationship for the next 24 hours with a tub of ice cream and a handful of Austen movies.
b. egg his house.
c. all of the above.
Pretty dang easy right?
But how would I still feel inside?
I can tell you right now that none of those things, not ice cream, not movies, not even revenge will fill the hole that Chester opened up, and certainly none of them will bring me closer to the one man I know that I will always be able to rely on.
God.
Because no matter how unfeeling one of His sons may have been towards me, no matter how let down and betrayed I may feel, no matter how embarrassed I get about trusting someone so much and having that trust broken, no matter what expectations weren't met, no matter what plans of mine may have gone up in flames, no matter how inadequate I sometimes feel to get through the trials I am given, and no matter how many tears and boxes of tissues I use up... He knows.
He knows how many hours I spent in tears... because He counted each and every one of them that fell.
He knows how to heal my broken heart... because He's the one who created it.
He understands the pain and disappointment I feel...
...because He's felt it too.
"My daughter, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it will, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes (..and ex-boyfriends)."
I understand that God has a plan for me and that He never intends to give me a trial to endure without being completely confident in my abilities to overcome it. My knowledge and testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ gives me strength, and honestly... it has helped to lesson the blow that could have been about a hundred times worse.
Sometimes the Lord's tender mercies are disguised, and it takes us turning our perspectives from ourselves to Him to be able to realize it.
Yes, it happened. Yes, it mattered. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it will get better.
Now if you will excuse me, I am off to get ready for Once Upon a Time! Nothing like a healthy dose of Charming family feels (as Brandi and I like to call them :)) to get you over a breakup, right?
...or could their perfetion possibly make it worse?
1 comment:
Jadyn I love you. And I love how beautifully you write. I'm sorry something sucky happened to you and I know it's not easy. But your perspective right now is the best perspective to have in this kind of situation. I wish I would have realized that sooner than I did when it happened to me. If you ever need someone to eat lactose-y goodness and sob and watch stupid cute movies with, call meee. :)
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