Two Pink Lines

February 16, 2014
"It would be so wrong if I didn't at least try to write some of my feelings down right now... in this moment, for the first time, it's not just me here in my body... it's the both of us.

"Me... and this tiny little human growing inside of me.

"I am terrified.

"I am so young, I've only been married 2 1/2 months, how am I going to make a good mother?

"I don't know, but I know that God meant for this to happen... this baby is supposed to happen and he or she is supposed to happen to us.

"Taylor is so nervous. He wants so badly for it to be a girl.

"He is going to be such a good father. :)

"I made such a good choice.

"I feel honored. Like a chosen vessel carrying some unknown mystical passenger. As the months go by I have the most miraculous opportunity to get to know this baby from the inside and before anybody else does. My voice is the first voice it'll know. My smell, my heart beat. I am determined to enjoy this time with my baby. I want to feel everything, the sickness, the soreness, the magic.

"Again... I am terrified.

"I am in shock.

"I am so excited to tell everybody.

"I am so afraid to tell anybody.

"I am going to be a mother...

"I. Am. Going. To. Be. A. Mother."

Two pink lines. In just two minutes these two pink lines appeared and rocked my world.

There is so much to be read on the Internet about two pink lines... what they means, how to adjust your diet for them, how to love them, where to deliver them. There are stories of people who have waited their whole lives for two pink lines. There are stories of people who surprise their husbands with two pink lines, jumping up and down, or crumbling into a pile of overwhelmed joy and tears.

But as I looked at my own two pink lines and searched the web, I found nobody like myself. Not one story. Not one piece of advice. No one who looked at these two pink lines and thought the words, "What have I done".

Not one person who told their husband the news through sobbing tears.

Not one person who wasn't ready.

Who didn't want it.

Who felt foolish, irresponsible, embarrassed.

I didn't want to be pregnant, and with that crushing reality I knew one thing for certain.

I was going to be a terrible mother.

What kind of woman, upon hearing the news of her pregnancy, wishes to heaven it weren't true?

If I could write a letter to my past self for her to read on that day... a year ago today... this is what I would write.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know.

I know how scared you are.

I know how embarrassed you are.

I know how terrifying it is to go back into bed and wake up your husband with this news.

I know what you feel like. I do.

You feel like a ticking time bomb, like a personification of irresponsibility. 

You feel like this whole thing was a huge mistake, and at the same time you feel guilty.

You feel guilty for not wanting this baby.

You feel guilty for calling it a mistake.

You feel guilty because you know so many women who cry bitter tears over negative pregnancy tests, not positive ones.

You feel robbed of the experience of trying to get pregnant on purpose, receiving the news, and getting to surprise your honey in some cute and creative way.

That's the way it's supposed to be right?

RIGHT?

That's the way we're told it goes. The way we tell people to do it on Pinterest and Facebook.

Because Pinterest and Facebook know everything.

Don't they?

I know how unfair it feels.

But what you don't know, is this:

Pretty soon, you're going to feel so sick, and all of these feelings will get worse for a time.

You're in school, your hubby is in school, and none of it will make sense.

You will silently curse God for His unfair sense of humor and you will be self pitying and not very fun to be around.

It's okay.

That's your prerogative.

Because, though it will feel like forever, it'll only last a handful of weeks.

And you will go to the doctor's office munching on plain Cheerios because that's the only kind of food that doesn't make you sick, and that feeling of sadness and anger inside of you will start to slowly chip away when you see this for the first time...

This tiny little jelly bean.

The cause of so much trouble.

When you heart it's little heartbeat for the first time you will be amazed at the miracle of life.

You'll look at your husband, not quite sure what to feel, but confirming on very solid thing... 

"This is real".

And things won't feel all the way better at that point, but the foundation of your bitterness will have cracked. The tears will lessen just a little bit, and the sickness will slowly mellow out.

You'll start to feel ready to tell other people. Not an announcement! Just close friends and family members.

The shame you feel at announcing your so-called foolish mistake will still be there, but hang in there!

...because at your next doctor's appointment you will surprise yourself.

For the first time as a mother, when they poke and prod for what feels like hours but can't find the heartbeat... you're going to worry.

You're going to cry some more but this time for very different reasons.

For the first time since those two pink lines you are going to want. this. baby.

And you're going to want it badly.

And they're going to take you into the ultrasound room and your terror will melt away into a feeling of love that you've never felt as you watch the tiny little body on the screen dance and play.

And you are going to know the unwavering truth that this little baby is your son.

Spoiler alert... you're wrong. :)

But before we get to that, something incredible is going to start happening to your body.

Nobody else will notice but you... but your flat stomach is being replaced by a protrusion.

A "flubber" that you can't quite suck in anymore.

Not big enough to feel pregnant, but enough to feel fat.

And that's going to suck.

Because people in the grocery store won't look at you and think, "Awe! You're glowing with the miracle of life!" but instead look at you with the judgmental look of, "Are you sure you want to be buying those chips...?"

You're going to start snacking all of the time, and as the end of school draws near, you're going to forget to take your prenatal supplements all of the time.

And you're going to think it's killing your baby.

Every. Damn. Thing. Is. Killing. Your. Baby.

Another spoiler alert.

It's not.

And just like that you're going to realize that you are already nearly 15 weeks along and you still haven't announced your news.

You want to... but you don't.

This safe little world where only you know this secret is so nice.

Nobody knows.

Nobody. Knows.

And perhaps, to some degree, that makes it less real to you.

A part of you can keep pretending that this isn't actually happening. That in just a few minutes you're going to wake up and tell your husband about the craziest and most vivid dream you had, and you'll laugh and laugh and do all of the things that married, un-pregnant people do.

News flash: you're going going to have to announce it sometime.

And it will be okay, you know why?

Because all of the creativity you never got to use with your sweetheart you'll get to channel into your pregnancy announcement and in some strange way... it'll be of much consolation to you.

But then it'll start to come.

That next wave.

The butterflies and happiness of the past month or so will begin to wear off as the reality of your life situation sinks in again.

Everybody knows.

There is no turning back.

I mean... as if there ever was, girlfriend.

Those old feelings of sadness and anger and shame will creep back again and will make every tiny little side effect of pregnancy all the more unbearable.

There will be rude and insensitive people who will make the following comments:

"Wow, looks like you didn't waste any time!"

"That's why my husband and I would NEVER use condoms as OUR birth control."

"I guess that's why your boobs have been getting bigger..."

And you'll cry about it.

But don't let it get you down sister!

This is your story, not theirs!

But still.... you will feel so cheated that you only got to spend two and a half months of your marriage as just you and your husband, and you will feel like the worst person for thinking so.

You will apologize to your husband every day for having to start his marriage off with a pregnant, sick, and unhappy wife.

You will remind your husband every day that the fun, spunky woman he fell in love with still lives somewhere inside... and that she'll come out again after the baby is born.

And he will remind YOU every day that he loves you, and to stop being crazy.

And you will love him for it.

And as every day goes by, the stronger your internal confirmation will be that this little baby you're carrying is a boy.

You'll shamelessly call it a "he".

You'll only think of boy names.

You'll laugh in your husband's face when he reminds you that there's still a 50% chance it's a girl.

(sorry again for that babe...)

You will feel so powerful in your motherly intuition.

Like some goddess with the divine powers of sensing the needs and the gender of her child.

"I'm so in tune with my body", you're going to think... when you really should be preparing your world to be rocked again because on June, 11, your 20th birthday and the day you are officially no longer a "teen mom"...

"It" will become "She"

The ultrasound tech will FINALLY make her way down to the poor baby's privates and say, "Can you tell what it is or do you want me to tell you?"

You know what it is but you can't bring yourself to say it.

A girl?

A GIRL?!?

You are carrying a little tiny girl inside of you... you were carrying HER this whole time!

You look over at your husband expecting to see the same amount of shock on his face, but he can't hold back his joy. He's elated! He can't take his eyes off the screen!

And you can't pull your jaw off of the floor.

Once again, the little baby inside of you feels like a stranger.

The little person you thought you knew in there is suddenly somebody entirely different!

And don't worry... pretty soon you'll warm up to the idea.

After a few days of being in shock it'll start to be less weird, and a few weeks after that it'll stop being weird all together.

And, believe it or not... after a while you'll actually start to get... dare I say, excited!

Because now you can put together your registry.

You can plan your nursery.

You can budget your diapers.

Now that you sweet baby has HER identity you can start actually preparing!

You and your hubby won't have any problems agreeing on a name.

Even though you never discussed it before hand it'll come to you within a matter of minutes.

And that belly of yours will just continue to grow!

People will tell you how tiny you look and that will piss you off.

Don't worry.

You're huge. ;)

And every time you look at your belly you will think, "This can't possibly get any bigger!"

Surely there is no room!

And every time that little girl stretches out, or flips over, or does what feels like the Irish jig on one of your internal organs you'll think, "There can't possibly be enough room in there for her to do that!"

Surely somethings going to tear!

But it won't.

Nothing will break, nothing will tear.

And as your belly stretches bigger...

 ...and bigger...

 ...and bigger...

...and BIGGER, you'll be amazed at your body's capacity to accommodate for this little one.

You belly's ability to stretch, your organs' abilities to rearrange, and your heart's ability to love.

Because with every kick, every hiccup, and every snuggle you feel inside of your body, you will find yourself slowly, almost without your knowledge, falling in love with this little creature.

That fear you felt in the beginning? It'll still be there.

But now it'll be different.

The panicked thoughts of, "I can't believe I'm pregnant, I don't want to do this" will slowly transform into, "I can't believe she's almost here, I hope I'm everything she needs".

You will forget what it was ever like to NOT be pregnant!

What was it like to see your toes? To not feel a baby move inside you? To not crave Macaroni and Cheese every five minutes?

What will it like being just me in this body?

Will it be nice or will it somehow be lonely?

But you won't have long to worry about that because you and your husband will have to move apartments, and unpack boxes, and get ready for the little one.

And before you know it, on Halloween night, the labor starts.

And it's hard.

Harder than you thought.

And all of those happy feelings will go away again.

You'll begin to doubt yourself, your ability to do this, your love for this baby.

You'll be confused, but don't worry.

Just take a deep breath breath (I know you're tired of hearing that by now).

God sent this baby to you on HIS timeline and the devil knows that.

And he doesn't want this baby to come, he doesn't want her to be loved, he wants her to feel sad and scared and alone.

What better way to do that than to get to her mother?

Thankfully for you, you have the greatest tool that God could have given you to get through this.

Your husband.

And with him coaching you through you somehow find a way to reach inside of yourself and push a 7lb slippery innocent miracle into the world.

 ...and she is so beautiful.

And shockingly...

...a stranger.

You will begin to panic a little bit.

What about all of those bonding moments from when she was inside you?

How does she know that you are the one who sang her songs, and told her stories, and gave her the extra cookies?

How could someone who knows you more intimately than anybody else be so unfamiliar?

You look into this perfectly innocent face and it doesn't look the way you imagined it would.

And you don't know her personality yet.

And that's going to be scary.

And a little disheartening.

And that's why the newborn stage is hard.

Because the growing-her part is over, and the getting-to-know-her part is just beginning.

But slowly...

 ...quietly...

 ...almost without realizing...

...she'll become the center of your whole world.

In the beginning, breastfeeding will hurt.

A lot.

Like... much more than anyone will admit.

But your nipples are tough and after a month or two you won't even feel it and you'll begin to crave those feedings.

Those mornings when it's drizzling outside and you're rocking her in her room and she looks up and you with those giant wise eyes and smiles a big toothless grin, you won't even be mad that she just spilled milk all over you and the recliner.

And when she has the biggest blowout of all time and you frantically rush her to the changing to get her cleaned up, and you think to yourself that this is most unpleasant and least glamorous job in the world, you'll look down at her sad little face and realize that she's just as confused as you are. That pooping is new to her. And scary. And that will melt your heart. And the only thing you'll care about is making it all better for her.

Her first laugh will make you cry.

Her first roll-over will make your heart stop.

Thigh rolls will have never seemed more delicious.

Neither will have feet for that matter...

And while you're busy feeding, and rocking, and changing, and tickling, and kissing, and soothing, and loving this strange and beautiful little creature you'll find somewhere deep inside of yourself a new you.

A less selfish, more brave and stronger you.

And you'll realize that you would do anything for this squishy tiny human, this perfect little blend of you and the first love of your life.

And just like that...

...you'll forget that the second love of your life and the new center of your universe was ever just...

 "two pink lines"