I know that it's been two weeks since she was born, but I really want to get her birth story written down before I forget anything. Please bear with me... it's pretty long. ;)
Goodness where do I even begin?
Goodness where do I even begin?
The birth of my first child... something that I had dreamed about for so long. I have always been so fascinated and amazed at the power and beauty of birth, I've always found it incredibly beautiful. I loved, and still love, nothing more than reading the birth stories of friends and family and seeing beautiful videos of successful births of women in their homes...
I always knew that I wanted to give birth to my baby drug free. I start out by saying this not as a bragging right and not as a self-righteous token somehow making me more of a woman than the rest of the world, but as a clarifying statement of how I truly felt. I feel like in motherhood we can all get so judgmental of other women who do things differently than we do. Women who decide to go natural judge the "wimpy" women who get epidurals, and the women who get epidurals judge the "crunchy" women who decide to go natural. I think this is the worst thing that we could possibly do! I think that no matter what a mother decides to do during the birth of her child, as long it's what they feel safest doing then no matter what it is they choose, it's the right choice. For me personally, I didn't want to experience natural childbirth for any of the following reasons:
- To Cross it off of a Bucket List
- To Prove Anything to Myself
- To Prove Anything to Anybody Else
- Because it was Trendy
- To Earn Bragging Rights
No, the reason I wanted to experience natural childbirth went much deeper than that. I knew about the pain, the back labor, the transition, the ring of fire. My decisions were educated and personal... I wanted to experience natural childbirth because I wanted to experience giving over everything. I wanted to experience relinquishing control over my body and allowing both it and God to guide my baby into the world. I've always known that my body was capable of amazing things. It does things every day that are truly miraculous, all without me having to command it to do so.
My heart beats, my lungs breathe, my digestive system works smoothly and efficiently (most of the time ;) ), my hair grows, my eyes see, and my uterus grew a living human being... all without my direction. We as humans feel the need to exert control over most facets of our lives, I'm guilty of it myself. In fact, I panic when I am walking into a new situation and I don't know what to expect. Why? Because I feel vulnerable due to a lack of control over my environment.
I didn't want birth to be the same. I wanted to experience a raw, tribal, beautiful surrender of my circumstances to both God and the body He gave me. Almost no other setting would allow me to do so and I was so excited to embrace what my body was so beautifully made to do.
That being said... the journey it took to get me to that hospital bed holding my daughter was a long one and I doubted myself so many times along the way. I decided that I was going to need some tools in order to help me if I was going to get through this experience. The tools I relied on?
- Hypnobabies
- Essential Oils
- Prayer
- My Husband
Hypnobabies was a wonderfully helpful tool for me! I borrowed the curriculum from a good friend of mine to try out because I had heard so many wonderful things about it! As wacky as it sounds it really is quite simple. It focuses mainly on positive affirmations, positive imagery, and breathing... lots of breathing. :) While I wasn't very good at all at listening to and practicing my daily scripts (which would take you through a process of breathing and positive imagery) I listened to the positive affirmations DAILY! I did my best to fill myself with the most optimistic views on my pregnancy, my baby, and myself, and Taylor and I agreed that when we talked about birth that it would only be in a positive, even comical way. We joked about how I would be able to just sneeze the baby out and we'd look back on it and think, "What are people talking about? This is easy!", or how the baby can't wait to be born and will just open up my cervix for me and push herself out... things we knew in our heads were crazy but were therapeutic for our anxious hearts. While I didn't practice my Hypnobabies curriculum the way in which it was intended, I am positive that what I did take from it was helpful in the birth of my daughter.
Now... let's get into the timeline, shall we? :)
Thursday, October 30th
I had a doctor's appointment that morning and in order to put eager and anxious family members (as well as myself) at ease, I asked to be checked. Normally at Valley Women for Women - the midwifery practice I was going to - they don't do weekly checks after 37 weeks like most OB practices do, but I had requested this one. I was 39 weeks, I was curious, and we had many loved ones who were anxious to know what kind of progress we were making.
1 cm dilated and 60% effaced.
I was happy with that number. :) I really wasn't expecting much of anything and so any kind of answer I would have been completely fine with!
The rest of the day I started feeling regular contractions ("birthing waves" as we referred to them due to the negative connotation connected to the word contraction... another Hypnobabies trick ;)). They weren't painful by any means but they were regular. For the whole day they were about 20 - 30 minutes apart and later that night we went to the temple to support some good friends of ours doing baptisms for the first time and they moved to be about 10 - 15 minutes apart.
We were getting kind of excited! Were we really going to be having a Halloween baby?
Alas, it didn't seem to be the case, because around 11:00 that night the contractions just stopped.
Poof!
Gone.
Friday, October 31st
Halloween.
It was a jam packed day and all I could think was, "I really want this baby to come out but it would be really nice to just wait until this day is over..."
After a long day my sweet friend Mary Beth (who I had been with the night before at the temple) took me out to go get my toes done. According to her it would've been a crime not to. ;) I was so touched and it really was nice to have my sore and swollen feet rubbed for a while. Plus, it felt kind of good to be pampered a little bit after a week of moving and unpacking boxes at nearly 10 months pregnant.
After that was finished, Mary Beth dropped me off back at our apartment and I picked up Taylor's Halloween costume that he'd been working on for weeks. He and his younger brothers were dressing up as the characters from the movie Guardians of the Galaxy and Taylor had built the most impressive light-up Groot costume! It was really neat and he was definitely a hit as we were walking around door to door. His youngest brother Austin (who had dressed up as Rocket the Raccoon) was the biggest fan of all and it was adorable seeing them dressed up together. :)
I was hoping that all of the walking around during trick-or-treating might bring back some of the contractions from the day before but nothing seemed to be working. I even rubbed some Clary Sage essential oil into my feet and ankles when we got home hoping things would pick up.
They didn't yet.
We invited some friends over not long after we got home and it was great seeing everybody.
That's when things got started.
Around 9:00 I started feeling those same weak waves from the day before! They weren't super regular yet but they were definitely more uncomfortable than anything I'd had previously... not enough to really feel like I was in pain but enough that you could tell on my face that I was uncomfortable. To avoid any awkward attention I'd excuse myself to the bathroom when one would come on and just chill out in there until it was done. After about an hour though I started feeling a little bit nauseous as well which made me a little nervous... I have an irrational amount of anxiety linked to nausea and specifically vomiting (you can guess how graciously I made it through my first trimester) and so I started getting a little bit panicky.
Taylor was so sweet though and finally came into our room where I was hiding out and told me to just lay down and call it a night. I was so grateful for his support and so I did as he suggested. I changed into some comfier clothes, took one last belly picture, brushed my teeth, and closed my eyes.
Saturday, November 1st:
I woke up feeling just as nauseous and terrible as ever.
I still heard voices outside and I figured I had only been asleep for about 30 minutes or so but I didn't feel like I could face a whole room of people to entertain and so I just stayed curled up in bed.
This was the first real dark time of my labor.
I was having irregular but uncomfortable contractions like before and I couldn't shake this awful feeling inside of me.
The only way I have been able to describe it is like a dark cloud hovering over me. Almost as if Satan knew that I was about to experience something so difficult and beautiful that he was trying everything in his power to discourage me. I started having serious doubts in myself and panic... what if the baby was born unhealthy? Mentally or physically? Was I prepared for that? What if something happens to me in labor? Why do I even care about doing this naturally? It would be so much easier to just get the epidural! What if I end up needing a cesarean delivery? I hadn't emotionally prepared myself for that, I didn't think I could handle that! What if I tear? What if I hemorrhage? What if she's a still born?
All sorts of terrible things.
I finally got myself out of bed and out into the dining room and it turned out that only Taylor and our friend Jakob were still there. It also turned out that I had been asleep for hours, it was 1:00 in the morning! We talked for a good little while and then Taylor turned to me and asked how I was feeling. I said not good and described to him just a little bit of how I was feeling. He then asked me if I wanted a priesthood blessing. I was so thankful for my husband's willingness to act on God's behalf as well as our friend! The two of them didn't even hesitate, they both hopped right up and gave me a blessing that I would feel peaceful and strong and have the confidence and trust in myself to have this baby when she was ready.
Jakob went home and Taylor and I stayed up and watched some Seinfeld to lighten the mood. It definitely helped. :) During that time my contractions had picked up a little bit and we started timing them. They got to be about 4-5 minutes apart but still not very uncomfortable but we were so excited that we called the midwife on-call number anyway!
Now at Valley Women for Women the midwifery practice is comprised of four midwives that you rotate through during your pregnancy. By the end you get to know each of them pretty well so that when it's time to deliver your baby no matter who is on-call you have some sort of relationship with them. Now, I loved each of the midwives at the practice, any of them would have been a wonderful and helpful addition to our birth but there was one in particular, Mina, who I really felt good about. She was my favorite during our appointments and I had always been secretly hoping that she'd be the one on-call when it came time to have our baby. Well... we called the number and who should be on the other line but Mina! I was thrilled! I was also even more motivated to have this baby as soon as possible now that I knew she was at the hospital. ;)
She told us very calmly but excitedly that we were probably in the very earliest stages of labor and that since my contractions weren't painful in any way that we should probably get some rest (we'd need it!) and call her back when they were 3-5 minutes apart and difficult to speak through OR if my water broke. We hung up and were so impressed by just how laid back she was about the whole thing, it really made it easier to feel calm and excited about everything. We said a prayer together and did exactly as we were told... SLEEP! We were both exhausted... it was, after all, 3:00 in the morning. ;)
At 7:00 am I woke to a strange sensation, like I really needed to pee. That, of course, was not an unusual sensation for me. For the majority of my third trimester it was not uncommon for me to wake up a few times in the night needing to pee like the dickens, but this was a little bit different. Then, suddenly, I felt a tiny trickle and thought, "Oh gosh! I think my water is breaking!" Not wanting to get it all over the bed, I rolled out of bed and WHOOSH! It was like somebody had popped a water balloon! It felt so strange to be "peeing my pants" but unable to stop it. I woke up Taylor who shot immediately out of bed. I explained to him what had just happened and asked him to grab me a towel. He did and picked up the phone right away to call the midwife. She answered and said that it was awesome that my water had broken but because my contractions were pretty much nonexistent at that point (they had gone away completely by now) that there was no hurry to come in to the hospital but to call her as soon as the contractions picked up or if we couldn't feel the baby moving within 30 minutes or so.
So Taylor went back to sleep. I couldn't though! I felt like I was on an adrenaline rush, I couldn't sit still! I suddenly had this undeniable urge to clean up and straighten out the house. I vacuumed, did the dishes, added some last minute touches to the nursery (pictures to come later), and overall straightened everything up so that we could come home to a clean house after the baby came. I then took the dog out for a walk (hoping that it would make contractions pick up) and then sat down to write my best friend who is on her mission an email. Near the end of the email I did start feeling some regular birthing waves that were pretty strong. Again, they weren't killer but they were definitely more intense than ones that I had felt before, and with each one a little bit of leftover amniotic fluid would leak out.
After a while of this I finally woke up Taylor. We each showered, got dressed, brushed our teeth, and then called the midwife once more. She told us that any time in the next hour or two that we felt like it was time to come to the hospital was absolutely acceptable but not to feel rushed, that all we needed to do now was listen to our intuition and give her a call when we were on our way. Again, what a breath of fresh air! It made everything feel so laid back, like this was the most natural and normal thing in the world! We took the time to call our loved ones and fill them in on the progress and then took a little bit of time to enjoy our last moments in our apartment as a family of two. Finally, sometime around 12:00 pm (all the set times are a little hazy to me from this point on), we decided it was time to go to the hospital.
We checked in, walked up to triage, and from there I was hooked up to a monitor and internally checked. Amazingly I was already 100% effaced and she was at a zero station (meaning that my cervix had thinned out all the way and she was literally sitting right on it) but my cervix was still stuck at a 1 cm like it had been on Thursday! It would be a lie to say I wasn't shocked. I had even joked to Taylor on the way there about getting to the hospital and still being a 1. We both didn't feel any anxiety at that fact and didn't feel the need to try and speed things up, so I stayed hooked up to the monitor for what felt like an eternity (honestly, I don't know how women go through their whole labor on their backs hooked up to that thing... my contractions were SO much worse when I was on that bed) and then we were given permission to walk the halls.
I felt so blessed to have Taylor there supporting me, in those moments I really felt like a team! My birthing waves were getting pretty painful at this point but I was in such a good place emotionally that I really just took them head on. I felt like I could conquer the world! Every time one would come on (they were pretty frequent, about 1-1.5 minutes apart) I would just lean over against the railing on the wall and Taylor would put counter pressure on my low back and I would just "oooooh" through the pressure. I was so happy with my experience, I felt like a birthing rock star, and I felt so lucky to have such a supportive husband. During each wave I'd hit a point where the climax would be a little more intense than the last and he would remind me to relax my face and to relax my shoulders and take a long deep breath (all part of the Hypnobabies cues) and it was SO helpful to be reminded of that when my first instinct was to clench and tighten up.
Because the hospital was so busy that day we were stuck in triage for about four hours! During that time we labored in the hallways and then when walking felt too hard to do I decided to just stayed in my little corner at triage. It was a little bit embarrassing because I could not stay quiet during my contractions and I felt kind of strange letting out loud "ooohs" and "ahhhhhs" with five other pregnant women just inches away on the other side of the curtain. We joked, ate food from the cafeteria, and even got the nurse to bring in a birthing ball for me to sit on (which felt incredible compared to just standing!)
FINALLY we were able to have our own room! I felt so spoiled walking into the enormous and beautiful labor and delivery room, it felt like a mansion compared to our tiny little corner at triage. I had brought my birthing ball from triage with me and got through my contractions by leaning over the bed when they came on. I was still feeling super confident though! I felt so good about how I was handling the pain and so comforted by the presence of my husband. Because I was in such good spirits my midwife didn't feel a pressing need to check me and so she said she'd come back in about an hour. I almost felt a little delegitimized... was I not being taken seriously because I was doing well? Of course I now know why she wasn't concerned... ;)
We turned on some television and got through the next hour together. My essential oils helped so much during this stage. I used mostly Jasmine and a blend called Whispering Hope and holding those up to my nose during my breathing was so calming. When they came back to check me the diagnosis was devastating!
100% effaced, zero station, 3 cm dilated.
What?
It had been five hours since I had last been checked and I only progressed by 2 centimeters? I felt so defeated, and looking at the clock I started fearing that maybe this birth was going to take much, MUCH longer than I had originally anticipated! The disappointment on my face must have been apparent and Mina reassured me that it was very normal to progress slowly for the first half of labor and that after about 5 cm it usually just goes super fast. She also reassured me that I was at an advantage because my baby was just... SO... low... by the time I was dilated to a 10 she'd probably just slide right on out.
This didn't do a ton to help raise my spirits but I appreciated the positive kind words. Then she stripped my membranes.
Holy Hannah.
This was the first time that breathing just didn't cut it... that hurt.
After she stripped my membranes I got back onto my birthing ball and labored on that for another hour. But things began to pick up. My birthing waves were getting stronger and for the first time since I'd had my blessing I felt doubt creeping in. I started to make jokes to Taylor like, "Is it too late to get the epidural?" He saw where this was leading and suggested that maybe we find a different place or position to labor in. Mina agreed! She immediately set up the birthing pool that had been sitting in the corner and started filling it up with warm water. While we waited she suggested that I get into the shower and let the hot water hit my back. I was hesitant (I have no idea why) and needed a little bit of coaxing but in the end I listened and got into the shower and BOY was it nice! It felt sooo good to have the water hitting my back! After a while, however, it stopped helping and the intensity of my pressure waves started getting the better of me. My calm "oooohs" turned into painful "ahhhhs" and I started crying.
I told Taylor that I felt stupid for thinking I could have this baby naturally and that I wasn't as strong as I had thought I was and that maybe if I had practiced my Hypnobabies cues better that I wouldn't be doing so poorly. I swear my husband could have had angel wings and a halo at that point because over and over again he brought be back from the edge of that cliff. When I begged him for an epidural (something he knew I would be heartbroken about... he knew how badly I wanted to do this) he never told me I couldn't, he'd merely direct my attention to something else. He'd suggest that we just make it through the next contraction or just make it for 15 more minutes and then we'd talk about it some more. He grabbed some Balance essential oil and massaged it into my neck and shoulders (it smelled so good mixed with the steam from the shower). He grabbed our iPod and played calming music (Jonsi was honestly a godsent for a while) and read out of a book by Marianne Williamson called Everyday Grace and read beautiful excerpts about overcoming adversity, relying on God, and never loosing hope even in hopeless situations. During those long minutes was honestly one of the more spiritual segments of my labor. My pressure waves felt manageable again and I was able to stop crying. I felt like God was reminding me that I could do this. After about 30-45 minutes however the intensity picked up again and I just started sobbing again. It didn't feel like it would ever end. Taylor finally got into the shower with me - jeans and all - and just held me and sang to me. I have always loved and have been impressed by Taylor's singing voice, but never had it sounded more angelic than in did then. He told me that all I had to do was make it until Mina came back to check on me, that's all anybody expected and anything I did beyond that would just be impressive.
I have never loved my husband more than I did in that moment.
Mina came back and the tub was finally full! She came to check on me in the shower and found me sobbing and asked what on earth I was crying about. I told her that I felt like I was failing and that I couldn't do it. She told me that I COULD do it and that she has seen women progressing slower and dealing with it less graciously than me do it many times and that if they could do it, so could I. She suggested that I get out of the shower and into the tub. I was hesitant because I have never been much of a tub person, but I have to admit that the hot water did feel fantastic. I stayed in that tub for an hour, maybe two (like I said, the times are hazy at this point) and my contractions were REALLY picking up at this point. Normally women in labor go through their contractions until they are fully dilated and then the baby starts to lower, however, since my baby was already as low as she could be I had an insane amount of pressure in my low back and in my hips because there was a 7 pound baby sitting on the cervix that was trying to dilate! Taylor had a bucket that he would use to pour water down my back during contractions and that really helped to soothe me. During each wave I would tense up like crazy and each time he would look me in the eyes and count to three, telling me that on three I just had to take a deep breath and relax my whole body. He reminded me of a trick from Hypnobabies called the finger-drop technique where at the count of three I raise and drop my finger and as soon as it fell I'd turn my entire body "off". It really did help, even if I needed to be reminded about it every... single... time.
Again, I love my husband!
At this point it had been another good three to four hours since I had last been checked and Mina wanted to see how far we'd come.
100% effaced, +1 station, 6 cm dilated.
Everybody was elated!
Except for me...
I was having such a hard time being as excited as they were because all I could think was, "I can't do this for another five hours..."
She stripped my membranes again and suggested excitedly that if I felt up to it that I would really probably do well in the tub again since that had seemed to speed up my progress. I was reluctant and got through my next couple of waves on the bed. After a particularly intense wave the nurse on staff went to check the baby's heartbeat and asked, "So, are you gonna make it, or.......?"
Really?
You have a woman in labor here and you have the nerve to ask her if she's really going to be able to do this? As soon as our midwife came back Taylor told her that we'd be needing a new nurse and without a second thought she left the room and came back with exactly that. That was one really nice thing about having a midwife, though she was contracted through the hospital she didn't work for the hospital and therefore was sort of our go-between with them. We never really had to deal with anyone or anything from the hospital besides our nurses and even then they would answer to Mina and she would inform them of anything we did or did not need. For example, I didn't want to have an IV or even a pick line and I never had to have one conversation about it to anybody because Mina had it for me. It was just so nice to not have anything to worry about besides the labor and the labor alone.
Anyway, we got our new nurse and I was suddenly hit with another bout of nausea, only this time I really felt like I was going to vomit. I told Taylor to grab the bucket that he had been using to pour water on my back NOW and as soon as he did I threw up all of the Gatorade and graham crackers I had been eating all afternoon. While I knew that vomiting was a sign of entering transition (which was a great sign) I just cried. I felt like God had failed me by allowing me to go through the one thing that gave me anxiety more than anything else. Looking back on it now I know that it was the opposite, that He was showing me that the one thing I thought I couldn't handle was WELL within my ability to cope with.
I finally decided to get back into the tub. As awful as getting up and walking sounded to me, that was the only thing that had really seemed to get me to progress faster. So I got in and it was back to the same routine. Pour water down my back in between contractions, couch me through breathing during. Each wave came in stronger and stronger and I tried my hardest to just visualize riding a wave limp on my back, letting the water take me up and then back down. I also tried to visualize Jesus there riding the wave with me. I thought of myself as Peter walking on the water with Him even in the midst of a terrible storm. I had my husband there putting cold compresses on my head and then pouring hot water on my back (both of which felt amazing during each wave) and in my mind I was relaxing into the storm allowing God to coach me through it.
I'll admit, some contractions I handled better than others... there were times when I openly refused the coaching, even though I knew how much it helped. There were other times when I'd beg to just be put out of my misery and given drugs. But then there would be a moment where either Taylor or Mina or both would look me in the eyes and tell me that they knew I could do this and they knew that I knew it too and it would give me the resolve to push on just a little bit longer.
Then I had one contraction that literally sent me leaping! I can't even remember what exactly it felt like but all I remember is yelling Taylor's name over and over again and then finally yelling that I needed to poop. ;)
Ha ha, that must have meant something to everybody because the next thing I knew I was back on the bed being checked again.
100% effaced... 9 cm!!!
I felt so proud of myself! While I was disappointed that it wasn't a 10 yet I realized that I needed to see the beauty in the progress that we had made.
But then came another overwhelmingly strong wave and that awful feeling of pressure on my lower pelvis. It didn't feel like everybody says it does. I never really felt that UNDENIABLE urge to push, but I did feel an unbelievable amount of pressure on my low back and low pelvis that my body kept telling me needed to go away. Mina told me that she wanted to try something really quick and so she raised the bed up and had me lean over the back so that I was up on my knees. She told me that when she said so she wanted me to sort of squat down on my knees and give a big push. What she wanted to feel for was if I was progressed enough to get this baby out even though I wasn't technically fully progressed.
I was.
Pushing began.
This was where I was really pushed to the edge of what I thought I could handle... and then further. I was so tired from what had been an exhaustingly long labor (15 hours if you counted from when my water broke, 25 if you counted from when I started having uncomfortable contractions the night before) that I didn't think that I could possibly exert enough energy to push this baby out of me. For the first few pushes I stayed in the position that I was in - on my knees leaning over the back of the bed - but it just didn't feel right. I asked to move to a different position and so I moved down onto my right side and pulled my legs up as if I was in a squat. Taylor held one of my legs up to help my pelvis open up and I'd hold onto it too while I was pushing. As hard as it was, this position really felt like it was doing something. Then her little head started to finally poke through. All I remember is Taylor saying, "Jadyn! She has hair!" I was adamant that she'd be a baldy and I reached down to feel for myself. Lo and behold, there was a tiny sliver of what was my baby's head and she did indeed have hair!
This gave me the motivation I needed to keep going. Even though it was discouraging having her poke out and then back in (all of which is very normal) I couldn't believe we were so close to meeting her, to it being done. I was so close! We all were.
It was so hard though because my perineum was rock solid... it wasn't stretching at all. Mina would massage it in between pushes and during pushes she'd stretch it manually. Gosh it didn't feel good and it just wouldn't give.
Then her head was out. Up until that point I had been pushing in a very controlled and methodical manner during each of my contractions. I'd focus on one spot in the room in between each contraction and just take deep, slow breaths. Then when I'd feel one coming on I'd take one last deep breath, tuck my chin into my chest (imagining myself pushing "around my baby" as Mina phrased it) and PUSH. However when her head came out something came over me that just NEEDED to get her out and I couldn't stop pushing. I felt the "ring of fire" and even though people were asking me, "Jadyn, are you contracting still? Push during your contractions." I couldn't control it anymore.
I finally felt what it was like to completely surrender my will over to my body.
And my body didn't fail me.
The next thing I felt was instant relief and a flood of adrenaline. I started shaking all over and I looked down to see my little baby all tangled up in her looooong umbilical chord. And it was her daddy who was holding her. Taylor had been the one to catch her.
It was perfect, I couldn't think of a better way to enter the world. She was leaving the hands of her Heavenly Father and being placed directly into the hands of her father here on earth.
And from there she was placed straight onto my chest. She was so slippery and so warm. Her hair smelled damp and sweet. Her fingernails were unbelievably long. Her eyes were open so wide, she was so alert. She had the most perfect chubby cherub cheeks. Most of all she looked so HUGE! I couldn't believe that she fit inside of my body! I couldn't believe that I had pushed her out of my body! I also couldn't believe that I had made her! Without really even trying, my body made this tiny, living, breathing, thinking little human. And she was so perfect. She looked right up at me and I was amazed at just how much she looked like her name. We knew that we wanted to name her Olivia Ruth, but we wanted to meet her before we made it official. It was amazing how much the name fit her, she really did just look like a little Olivia right off the bat!
From there I pushed out the placenta and I FINALLY felt complete relief.
What was even more incredible? I didn't tear! I was more happy than I thought I could ever be! I was probably more scared of tearing than anything else about labor and it just felt like a little kiss from God that I didn't tear, especially considering how inflexible my perineum was.
More than anything I just couldn't believe I did it! I couldn't believe WE did it!
We had about an hour of time where it was just the three of us together, me and Taylor and baby Olivia on my chest. Our parents came to visit and then we were transferred to our recovery room.
Overall it was everything I thought it would be and more!
It was just as intense as I thought it would be and even more so.
It was just as rewarding as I thought it would be and even more so.
Did it stretch me beyond where I thought I could go?
Yes
Did it make me question myself and my ability to handle the situation?
Yes
Do I wish that I had gone a different route to avoid the pain?
Absolutely not
Do I see why people choose to take the epidural?
Absolutely YES
Would I have changed anything about my experience?
No. Not a thing. The experience of birthing my daughter changed me on a physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional level that I could have never imagined. The love I have for my daughter is nothing like I could have imagined. The love that I now feel for Taylor is even more than I could have ever imagined! My relationship with God has changed in a way I couldn't have imagined. There is an inner strength that I now see inside of myself that I never knew existed before, and while I know that I would have still had a healthy baby and a moving, empowering experience with or without pain medication, I am so proud and so glad that I was able to set a goal and follow through.
I knew what I wanted.
And I did it.
And nobody will ever be able to take that experience away from me.
It's so crazy to think that we have been a family of three for two weeks now!
The nights have been long (some longer than others) and my emotions have definitely been off the charts, but the experience of becoming new parents has been one that I wouldn't trade for anything.
It was been terrifying and exciting and beautiful all at the same time.
I am so excited to continue getting to know our little Olivia, she is even more perfect than I thought she could be. :)
We are so very blessed, and so very happy!
Thursday, October 30th
I had a doctor's appointment that morning and in order to put eager and anxious family members (as well as myself) at ease, I asked to be checked. Normally at Valley Women for Women - the midwifery practice I was going to - they don't do weekly checks after 37 weeks like most OB practices do, but I had requested this one. I was 39 weeks, I was curious, and we had many loved ones who were anxious to know what kind of progress we were making.
1 cm dilated and 60% effaced.
I was happy with that number. :) I really wasn't expecting much of anything and so any kind of answer I would have been completely fine with!
The rest of the day I started feeling regular contractions ("birthing waves" as we referred to them due to the negative connotation connected to the word contraction... another Hypnobabies trick ;)). They weren't painful by any means but they were regular. For the whole day they were about 20 - 30 minutes apart and later that night we went to the temple to support some good friends of ours doing baptisms for the first time and they moved to be about 10 - 15 minutes apart.
We were getting kind of excited! Were we really going to be having a Halloween baby?
Alas, it didn't seem to be the case, because around 11:00 that night the contractions just stopped.
Poof!
Gone.
Friday, October 31st
Halloween.
It was a jam packed day and all I could think was, "I really want this baby to come out but it would be really nice to just wait until this day is over..."
After a long day my sweet friend Mary Beth (who I had been with the night before at the temple) took me out to go get my toes done. According to her it would've been a crime not to. ;) I was so touched and it really was nice to have my sore and swollen feet rubbed for a while. Plus, it felt kind of good to be pampered a little bit after a week of moving and unpacking boxes at nearly 10 months pregnant.
After that was finished, Mary Beth dropped me off back at our apartment and I picked up Taylor's Halloween costume that he'd been working on for weeks. He and his younger brothers were dressing up as the characters from the movie Guardians of the Galaxy and Taylor had built the most impressive light-up Groot costume! It was really neat and he was definitely a hit as we were walking around door to door. His youngest brother Austin (who had dressed up as Rocket the Raccoon) was the biggest fan of all and it was adorable seeing them dressed up together. :)
I was hoping that all of the walking around during trick-or-treating might bring back some of the contractions from the day before but nothing seemed to be working. I even rubbed some Clary Sage essential oil into my feet and ankles when we got home hoping things would pick up.
They didn't yet.
We invited some friends over not long after we got home and it was great seeing everybody.
That's when things got started.
Around 9:00 I started feeling those same weak waves from the day before! They weren't super regular yet but they were definitely more uncomfortable than anything I'd had previously... not enough to really feel like I was in pain but enough that you could tell on my face that I was uncomfortable. To avoid any awkward attention I'd excuse myself to the bathroom when one would come on and just chill out in there until it was done. After about an hour though I started feeling a little bit nauseous as well which made me a little nervous... I have an irrational amount of anxiety linked to nausea and specifically vomiting (you can guess how graciously I made it through my first trimester) and so I started getting a little bit panicky.
Taylor was so sweet though and finally came into our room where I was hiding out and told me to just lay down and call it a night. I was so grateful for his support and so I did as he suggested. I changed into some comfier clothes, took one last belly picture, brushed my teeth, and closed my eyes.
Saturday, November 1st:
I woke up feeling just as nauseous and terrible as ever.
I still heard voices outside and I figured I had only been asleep for about 30 minutes or so but I didn't feel like I could face a whole room of people to entertain and so I just stayed curled up in bed.
This was the first real dark time of my labor.
I was having irregular but uncomfortable contractions like before and I couldn't shake this awful feeling inside of me.
The only way I have been able to describe it is like a dark cloud hovering over me. Almost as if Satan knew that I was about to experience something so difficult and beautiful that he was trying everything in his power to discourage me. I started having serious doubts in myself and panic... what if the baby was born unhealthy? Mentally or physically? Was I prepared for that? What if something happens to me in labor? Why do I even care about doing this naturally? It would be so much easier to just get the epidural! What if I end up needing a cesarean delivery? I hadn't emotionally prepared myself for that, I didn't think I could handle that! What if I tear? What if I hemorrhage? What if she's a still born?
All sorts of terrible things.
I finally got myself out of bed and out into the dining room and it turned out that only Taylor and our friend Jakob were still there. It also turned out that I had been asleep for hours, it was 1:00 in the morning! We talked for a good little while and then Taylor turned to me and asked how I was feeling. I said not good and described to him just a little bit of how I was feeling. He then asked me if I wanted a priesthood blessing. I was so thankful for my husband's willingness to act on God's behalf as well as our friend! The two of them didn't even hesitate, they both hopped right up and gave me a blessing that I would feel peaceful and strong and have the confidence and trust in myself to have this baby when she was ready.
Jakob went home and Taylor and I stayed up and watched some Seinfeld to lighten the mood. It definitely helped. :) During that time my contractions had picked up a little bit and we started timing them. They got to be about 4-5 minutes apart but still not very uncomfortable but we were so excited that we called the midwife on-call number anyway!
Now at Valley Women for Women the midwifery practice is comprised of four midwives that you rotate through during your pregnancy. By the end you get to know each of them pretty well so that when it's time to deliver your baby no matter who is on-call you have some sort of relationship with them. Now, I loved each of the midwives at the practice, any of them would have been a wonderful and helpful addition to our birth but there was one in particular, Mina, who I really felt good about. She was my favorite during our appointments and I had always been secretly hoping that she'd be the one on-call when it came time to have our baby. Well... we called the number and who should be on the other line but Mina! I was thrilled! I was also even more motivated to have this baby as soon as possible now that I knew she was at the hospital. ;)
She told us very calmly but excitedly that we were probably in the very earliest stages of labor and that since my contractions weren't painful in any way that we should probably get some rest (we'd need it!) and call her back when they were 3-5 minutes apart and difficult to speak through OR if my water broke. We hung up and were so impressed by just how laid back she was about the whole thing, it really made it easier to feel calm and excited about everything. We said a prayer together and did exactly as we were told... SLEEP! We were both exhausted... it was, after all, 3:00 in the morning. ;)
At 7:00 am I woke to a strange sensation, like I really needed to pee. That, of course, was not an unusual sensation for me. For the majority of my third trimester it was not uncommon for me to wake up a few times in the night needing to pee like the dickens, but this was a little bit different. Then, suddenly, I felt a tiny trickle and thought, "Oh gosh! I think my water is breaking!" Not wanting to get it all over the bed, I rolled out of bed and WHOOSH! It was like somebody had popped a water balloon! It felt so strange to be "peeing my pants" but unable to stop it. I woke up Taylor who shot immediately out of bed. I explained to him what had just happened and asked him to grab me a towel. He did and picked up the phone right away to call the midwife. She answered and said that it was awesome that my water had broken but because my contractions were pretty much nonexistent at that point (they had gone away completely by now) that there was no hurry to come in to the hospital but to call her as soon as the contractions picked up or if we couldn't feel the baby moving within 30 minutes or so.
So Taylor went back to sleep. I couldn't though! I felt like I was on an adrenaline rush, I couldn't sit still! I suddenly had this undeniable urge to clean up and straighten out the house. I vacuumed, did the dishes, added some last minute touches to the nursery (pictures to come later), and overall straightened everything up so that we could come home to a clean house after the baby came. I then took the dog out for a walk (hoping that it would make contractions pick up) and then sat down to write my best friend who is on her mission an email. Near the end of the email I did start feeling some regular birthing waves that were pretty strong. Again, they weren't killer but they were definitely more intense than ones that I had felt before, and with each one a little bit of leftover amniotic fluid would leak out.
After a while of this I finally woke up Taylor. We each showered, got dressed, brushed our teeth, and then called the midwife once more. She told us that any time in the next hour or two that we felt like it was time to come to the hospital was absolutely acceptable but not to feel rushed, that all we needed to do now was listen to our intuition and give her a call when we were on our way. Again, what a breath of fresh air! It made everything feel so laid back, like this was the most natural and normal thing in the world! We took the time to call our loved ones and fill them in on the progress and then took a little bit of time to enjoy our last moments in our apartment as a family of two. Finally, sometime around 12:00 pm (all the set times are a little hazy to me from this point on), we decided it was time to go to the hospital.
We checked in, walked up to triage, and from there I was hooked up to a monitor and internally checked. Amazingly I was already 100% effaced and she was at a zero station (meaning that my cervix had thinned out all the way and she was literally sitting right on it) but my cervix was still stuck at a 1 cm like it had been on Thursday! It would be a lie to say I wasn't shocked. I had even joked to Taylor on the way there about getting to the hospital and still being a 1. We both didn't feel any anxiety at that fact and didn't feel the need to try and speed things up, so I stayed hooked up to the monitor for what felt like an eternity (honestly, I don't know how women go through their whole labor on their backs hooked up to that thing... my contractions were SO much worse when I was on that bed) and then we were given permission to walk the halls.
I felt so blessed to have Taylor there supporting me, in those moments I really felt like a team! My birthing waves were getting pretty painful at this point but I was in such a good place emotionally that I really just took them head on. I felt like I could conquer the world! Every time one would come on (they were pretty frequent, about 1-1.5 minutes apart) I would just lean over against the railing on the wall and Taylor would put counter pressure on my low back and I would just "oooooh" through the pressure. I was so happy with my experience, I felt like a birthing rock star, and I felt so lucky to have such a supportive husband. During each wave I'd hit a point where the climax would be a little more intense than the last and he would remind me to relax my face and to relax my shoulders and take a long deep breath (all part of the Hypnobabies cues) and it was SO helpful to be reminded of that when my first instinct was to clench and tighten up.
Because the hospital was so busy that day we were stuck in triage for about four hours! During that time we labored in the hallways and then when walking felt too hard to do I decided to just stayed in my little corner at triage. It was a little bit embarrassing because I could not stay quiet during my contractions and I felt kind of strange letting out loud "ooohs" and "ahhhhhs" with five other pregnant women just inches away on the other side of the curtain. We joked, ate food from the cafeteria, and even got the nurse to bring in a birthing ball for me to sit on (which felt incredible compared to just standing!)
FINALLY we were able to have our own room! I felt so spoiled walking into the enormous and beautiful labor and delivery room, it felt like a mansion compared to our tiny little corner at triage. I had brought my birthing ball from triage with me and got through my contractions by leaning over the bed when they came on. I was still feeling super confident though! I felt so good about how I was handling the pain and so comforted by the presence of my husband. Because I was in such good spirits my midwife didn't feel a pressing need to check me and so she said she'd come back in about an hour. I almost felt a little delegitimized... was I not being taken seriously because I was doing well? Of course I now know why she wasn't concerned... ;)
We turned on some television and got through the next hour together. My essential oils helped so much during this stage. I used mostly Jasmine and a blend called Whispering Hope and holding those up to my nose during my breathing was so calming. When they came back to check me the diagnosis was devastating!
100% effaced, zero station, 3 cm dilated.
What?
It had been five hours since I had last been checked and I only progressed by 2 centimeters? I felt so defeated, and looking at the clock I started fearing that maybe this birth was going to take much, MUCH longer than I had originally anticipated! The disappointment on my face must have been apparent and Mina reassured me that it was very normal to progress slowly for the first half of labor and that after about 5 cm it usually just goes super fast. She also reassured me that I was at an advantage because my baby was just... SO... low... by the time I was dilated to a 10 she'd probably just slide right on out.
This didn't do a ton to help raise my spirits but I appreciated the positive kind words. Then she stripped my membranes.
Holy Hannah.
This was the first time that breathing just didn't cut it... that hurt.
After she stripped my membranes I got back onto my birthing ball and labored on that for another hour. But things began to pick up. My birthing waves were getting stronger and for the first time since I'd had my blessing I felt doubt creeping in. I started to make jokes to Taylor like, "Is it too late to get the epidural?" He saw where this was leading and suggested that maybe we find a different place or position to labor in. Mina agreed! She immediately set up the birthing pool that had been sitting in the corner and started filling it up with warm water. While we waited she suggested that I get into the shower and let the hot water hit my back. I was hesitant (I have no idea why) and needed a little bit of coaxing but in the end I listened and got into the shower and BOY was it nice! It felt sooo good to have the water hitting my back! After a while, however, it stopped helping and the intensity of my pressure waves started getting the better of me. My calm "oooohs" turned into painful "ahhhhs" and I started crying.
I told Taylor that I felt stupid for thinking I could have this baby naturally and that I wasn't as strong as I had thought I was and that maybe if I had practiced my Hypnobabies cues better that I wouldn't be doing so poorly. I swear my husband could have had angel wings and a halo at that point because over and over again he brought be back from the edge of that cliff. When I begged him for an epidural (something he knew I would be heartbroken about... he knew how badly I wanted to do this) he never told me I couldn't, he'd merely direct my attention to something else. He'd suggest that we just make it through the next contraction or just make it for 15 more minutes and then we'd talk about it some more. He grabbed some Balance essential oil and massaged it into my neck and shoulders (it smelled so good mixed with the steam from the shower). He grabbed our iPod and played calming music (Jonsi was honestly a godsent for a while) and read out of a book by Marianne Williamson called Everyday Grace and read beautiful excerpts about overcoming adversity, relying on God, and never loosing hope even in hopeless situations. During those long minutes was honestly one of the more spiritual segments of my labor. My pressure waves felt manageable again and I was able to stop crying. I felt like God was reminding me that I could do this. After about 30-45 minutes however the intensity picked up again and I just started sobbing again. It didn't feel like it would ever end. Taylor finally got into the shower with me - jeans and all - and just held me and sang to me. I have always loved and have been impressed by Taylor's singing voice, but never had it sounded more angelic than in did then. He told me that all I had to do was make it until Mina came back to check on me, that's all anybody expected and anything I did beyond that would just be impressive.
I have never loved my husband more than I did in that moment.
Mina came back and the tub was finally full! She came to check on me in the shower and found me sobbing and asked what on earth I was crying about. I told her that I felt like I was failing and that I couldn't do it. She told me that I COULD do it and that she has seen women progressing slower and dealing with it less graciously than me do it many times and that if they could do it, so could I. She suggested that I get out of the shower and into the tub. I was hesitant because I have never been much of a tub person, but I have to admit that the hot water did feel fantastic. I stayed in that tub for an hour, maybe two (like I said, the times are hazy at this point) and my contractions were REALLY picking up at this point. Normally women in labor go through their contractions until they are fully dilated and then the baby starts to lower, however, since my baby was already as low as she could be I had an insane amount of pressure in my low back and in my hips because there was a 7 pound baby sitting on the cervix that was trying to dilate! Taylor had a bucket that he would use to pour water down my back during contractions and that really helped to soothe me. During each wave I would tense up like crazy and each time he would look me in the eyes and count to three, telling me that on three I just had to take a deep breath and relax my whole body. He reminded me of a trick from Hypnobabies called the finger-drop technique where at the count of three I raise and drop my finger and as soon as it fell I'd turn my entire body "off". It really did help, even if I needed to be reminded about it every... single... time.
Again, I love my husband!
At this point it had been another good three to four hours since I had last been checked and Mina wanted to see how far we'd come.
100% effaced, +1 station, 6 cm dilated.
Everybody was elated!
Except for me...
I was having such a hard time being as excited as they were because all I could think was, "I can't do this for another five hours..."
She stripped my membranes again and suggested excitedly that if I felt up to it that I would really probably do well in the tub again since that had seemed to speed up my progress. I was reluctant and got through my next couple of waves on the bed. After a particularly intense wave the nurse on staff went to check the baby's heartbeat and asked, "So, are you gonna make it, or.......?"
Really?
You have a woman in labor here and you have the nerve to ask her if she's really going to be able to do this? As soon as our midwife came back Taylor told her that we'd be needing a new nurse and without a second thought she left the room and came back with exactly that. That was one really nice thing about having a midwife, though she was contracted through the hospital she didn't work for the hospital and therefore was sort of our go-between with them. We never really had to deal with anyone or anything from the hospital besides our nurses and even then they would answer to Mina and she would inform them of anything we did or did not need. For example, I didn't want to have an IV or even a pick line and I never had to have one conversation about it to anybody because Mina had it for me. It was just so nice to not have anything to worry about besides the labor and the labor alone.
Anyway, we got our new nurse and I was suddenly hit with another bout of nausea, only this time I really felt like I was going to vomit. I told Taylor to grab the bucket that he had been using to pour water on my back NOW and as soon as he did I threw up all of the Gatorade and graham crackers I had been eating all afternoon. While I knew that vomiting was a sign of entering transition (which was a great sign) I just cried. I felt like God had failed me by allowing me to go through the one thing that gave me anxiety more than anything else. Looking back on it now I know that it was the opposite, that He was showing me that the one thing I thought I couldn't handle was WELL within my ability to cope with.
I finally decided to get back into the tub. As awful as getting up and walking sounded to me, that was the only thing that had really seemed to get me to progress faster. So I got in and it was back to the same routine. Pour water down my back in between contractions, couch me through breathing during. Each wave came in stronger and stronger and I tried my hardest to just visualize riding a wave limp on my back, letting the water take me up and then back down. I also tried to visualize Jesus there riding the wave with me. I thought of myself as Peter walking on the water with Him even in the midst of a terrible storm. I had my husband there putting cold compresses on my head and then pouring hot water on my back (both of which felt amazing during each wave) and in my mind I was relaxing into the storm allowing God to coach me through it.
I'll admit, some contractions I handled better than others... there were times when I openly refused the coaching, even though I knew how much it helped. There were other times when I'd beg to just be put out of my misery and given drugs. But then there would be a moment where either Taylor or Mina or both would look me in the eyes and tell me that they knew I could do this and they knew that I knew it too and it would give me the resolve to push on just a little bit longer.
Then I had one contraction that literally sent me leaping! I can't even remember what exactly it felt like but all I remember is yelling Taylor's name over and over again and then finally yelling that I needed to poop. ;)
Ha ha, that must have meant something to everybody because the next thing I knew I was back on the bed being checked again.
100% effaced... 9 cm!!!
I felt so proud of myself! While I was disappointed that it wasn't a 10 yet I realized that I needed to see the beauty in the progress that we had made.
But then came another overwhelmingly strong wave and that awful feeling of pressure on my lower pelvis. It didn't feel like everybody says it does. I never really felt that UNDENIABLE urge to push, but I did feel an unbelievable amount of pressure on my low back and low pelvis that my body kept telling me needed to go away. Mina told me that she wanted to try something really quick and so she raised the bed up and had me lean over the back so that I was up on my knees. She told me that when she said so she wanted me to sort of squat down on my knees and give a big push. What she wanted to feel for was if I was progressed enough to get this baby out even though I wasn't technically fully progressed.
I was.
Pushing began.
This was where I was really pushed to the edge of what I thought I could handle... and then further. I was so tired from what had been an exhaustingly long labor (15 hours if you counted from when my water broke, 25 if you counted from when I started having uncomfortable contractions the night before) that I didn't think that I could possibly exert enough energy to push this baby out of me. For the first few pushes I stayed in the position that I was in - on my knees leaning over the back of the bed - but it just didn't feel right. I asked to move to a different position and so I moved down onto my right side and pulled my legs up as if I was in a squat. Taylor held one of my legs up to help my pelvis open up and I'd hold onto it too while I was pushing. As hard as it was, this position really felt like it was doing something. Then her little head started to finally poke through. All I remember is Taylor saying, "Jadyn! She has hair!" I was adamant that she'd be a baldy and I reached down to feel for myself. Lo and behold, there was a tiny sliver of what was my baby's head and she did indeed have hair!
This gave me the motivation I needed to keep going. Even though it was discouraging having her poke out and then back in (all of which is very normal) I couldn't believe we were so close to meeting her, to it being done. I was so close! We all were.
It was so hard though because my perineum was rock solid... it wasn't stretching at all. Mina would massage it in between pushes and during pushes she'd stretch it manually. Gosh it didn't feel good and it just wouldn't give.
Then her head was out. Up until that point I had been pushing in a very controlled and methodical manner during each of my contractions. I'd focus on one spot in the room in between each contraction and just take deep, slow breaths. Then when I'd feel one coming on I'd take one last deep breath, tuck my chin into my chest (imagining myself pushing "around my baby" as Mina phrased it) and PUSH. However when her head came out something came over me that just NEEDED to get her out and I couldn't stop pushing. I felt the "ring of fire" and even though people were asking me, "Jadyn, are you contracting still? Push during your contractions." I couldn't control it anymore.
I finally felt what it was like to completely surrender my will over to my body.
And my body didn't fail me.
The next thing I felt was instant relief and a flood of adrenaline. I started shaking all over and I looked down to see my little baby all tangled up in her looooong umbilical chord. And it was her daddy who was holding her. Taylor had been the one to catch her.
It was perfect, I couldn't think of a better way to enter the world. She was leaving the hands of her Heavenly Father and being placed directly into the hands of her father here on earth.
What was even more incredible? I didn't tear! I was more happy than I thought I could ever be! I was probably more scared of tearing than anything else about labor and it just felt like a little kiss from God that I didn't tear, especially considering how inflexible my perineum was.
More than anything I just couldn't believe I did it! I couldn't believe WE did it!
We had about an hour of time where it was just the three of us together, me and Taylor and baby Olivia on my chest. Our parents came to visit and then we were transferred to our recovery room.
Overall it was everything I thought it would be and more!
It was just as intense as I thought it would be and even more so.
It was just as rewarding as I thought it would be and even more so.
Did it stretch me beyond where I thought I could go?
Yes
Did it make me question myself and my ability to handle the situation?
Yes
Do I wish that I had gone a different route to avoid the pain?
Absolutely not
Do I see why people choose to take the epidural?
Absolutely YES
Would I have changed anything about my experience?
No. Not a thing. The experience of birthing my daughter changed me on a physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional level that I could have never imagined. The love I have for my daughter is nothing like I could have imagined. The love that I now feel for Taylor is even more than I could have ever imagined! My relationship with God has changed in a way I couldn't have imagined. There is an inner strength that I now see inside of myself that I never knew existed before, and while I know that I would have still had a healthy baby and a moving, empowering experience with or without pain medication, I am so proud and so glad that I was able to set a goal and follow through.
I knew what I wanted.
And I did it.
And nobody will ever be able to take that experience away from me.
It's so crazy to think that we have been a family of three for two weeks now!
It was been terrifying and exciting and beautiful all at the same time.
I am so excited to continue getting to know our little Olivia, she is even more perfect than I thought she could be. :)
1 comment:
Jadyn, this made me tear up! What a beautiful, beautiful story. I'm so proud of you for following through with your goals. ♥
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