My name is Jadyn Maree and here are a few things you may not have known about me...
I am double jointed. My fingers lock which is why I could never pick up the cello or the guitar (and dang it, I tried!). My legs also lock which has proven to produce a lot of creative body mechanical stances while massaging in school.
I haven't worn makeup for anything other than special occasions (church, my friend Haley's wedding, family dinner with the in-laws...and even then it was minimal) for the past two to three weeks in an effort to help me embrace something that has been difficult for me grasp since dating Taylor...I can be pretty without it. And those who don't think so aren't worth my time. And I've been amazed at how much it's actually helping. I don't get so anal about my hair or my clothes when I can look at my bare face and accept it as being just fine the way it is... and that is one of the most refreshing things that I have ever been able to enjoy.
I never kissed a boy in High School. In fact, I never kissed a boy before I ever met my fiance, not out of some strange "won't kiss a boy until it's THE ONE" pact with myself, but because it simply never... I don't know... came up?
And here's another thing... there have been a few things about being engaged that nobody told me would happen but have taken me aback and have forced me up onto... you guessed it... the soap box.
One of the things that has single-handedly shocked me the most has been the overloaded masses of people who, upon hearing the news of your pending marriage, feel the urgency to (in the two minutes they have with you) to do one of three things:
One of the things that has single-handedly shocked me the most has been the overloaded masses of people who, upon hearing the news of your pending marriage, feel the urgency to (in the two minutes they have with you) to do one of three things:
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1. interrogate you to make sure you "know what you're doing" (and it doesn't matter how convincing you are... it always ends in a pretty awkward judgey mess)
2. "warn" you about the things either nobody told them or about the things you are too blind to see right now
3. regurgitate as much marriage advice as they can and try their hardest to convince you why this slew of advice is the one thing that will keep you and your fiance from getting divorced later down the road
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After the smoke clears from the engagement, after everybody is over admiring the ring and giggling about the story the world comes crashing down pretty hard on a young bride with the biggest mother load of an ordeal she never expected. Wedding planning is hard. Everybody has opinions (some stronger than others) and there are exactly 15,875,962,587.000009 decisions to make and each one in the moment feels as if it's going to be life or death... which is ridiculous because really, in a few months nobody is going to care whether you had lilies or roses in you bridal bouquet.
A midst this whirlwind of wedding fever, a new bride also has to deal with the new emotional responsibilities that comes with the title of "fiance". Suddenly this person, this wonderful, beautiful person who has asked (or agreed) to spend the rest of their life and more with you has taken a new place in your life. All at once you make the transition from this person being a luxury to a priority. When before it was nice to be able to see them on the weekends, it has now become mandatory. The relationship between me and my soon to be husband suddenly rose in importance above many things that I personally didn't expect it to after getting engaged... sleep and money being just a couple.
And frankly, let's just get this out into the open. People don't like to talk about sex but for couples set on abstinence (for religious reasons or not) before marriage, there is a lot of struggle surrounding the topic and the way that many Christian environments foster the idea of purity and chastity frankly don't help it. When a person is brought up in a world where sex is a taboo topic, steady dating is prohibited until 16, the anatomical reproductive organs of a person are referred to with made up names such as "hoo ha", "wee wee", or "tookie" in order to avoid saying their actual names, and the other kids around them are messing around so much with sex that at school and in youth groups many discussions about it turn into either a shame fest or a "how badly can I scare this kids into keeping their pants zipped up" lecture, that when they finally enter the period of their life where these things aren't actually "bad" anymore it suddenly opens up the floodgates for repressed insecurities, fears, and paranoias.
Take all of these beautiful ingredients and mix them in a bowl of milk and honey and you create what I like to call the perfect storm.What I want to talk about a little bit is my experience and struggle as I have transitioned into this new phase of my life. How it's felt having those looks in response to the revealing of my age, the internal struggles I have dealt with coming from being a girl who'd never been kissed to a girl about four or five months later who is now finding herself dealing with desires she feels for the man she knows she is going to marry that she's never had to deal with before. How growing up in such a Christian centered home has influenced my feelings on intimacy and how living in the limbo of "it isn't allowed but you still need to be getting used to the idea" has been both healthy and debilitating.
-we can't tell you how many people have legitimately asked us either at church or school or work if we're sure we aren't just getting married for sex... I mean really people?
-the raised eyebrows followed by the, "wait... you guys are HOW OLD?"
-the classic, "let me tell you how to plan your wedding because you are going to regret doing everything that you are planning on doing... trust me, I know better"
-and my all time favorite, the "what I wish people had warned me about" wedding night horror stories people keep feeling the need to share.
All of these things piled up on each other have made it increasingly difficult to enjoy this stage of being engaged...this bizarre limbo of loving each other but still having to say goodbye, of needing each other but still not being able to fall asleep to the sound of each others' heartbeats. The ways we both grew up feeling about and being taught about intimacy have also made it difficult to enjoy being a couple.
The one time I got a hickey I literally wept and stayed up until one in the morning trying to freeze it off with toothpaste and an ice cube. Every time we are making out (TMI...? or have I passed that boundary already? ;)) and I feel his hand go just a teeny bit lower on the small of my back or when I find myself playing with the collar of his shirt I feel the need to throw him to the other end of the room and examine myself of any boundaries I may or may not have crossed which is MORE than unhealthy... it is debilitating. It leads to nights where I have to genuinely ask my fiance through sobs if he is sure that I'm not a whore and that God still loves me even though I sometimes think about our wedding night. It leads to unhealthy amounts of feeling the need to be perfect and monitoring oneself every waking (and sleeping) moment of every un-married millisecond of life. And frankly... it also distracts from the things that really matter: you and your soon to be spouse and the love that you share and the promises that the two of you are about to make with each other and with God.
Luckily I am engaged to the man I am engaged to because none of these things has gone even close to being undiscussed and not worked through, but I guess this is just my soap box and this is just my moment to rant and rave and throw my fists up in the air defiantly and beg the world to PLEASE just calm down.
Choosing not to have a wedding party does not mean that my wedding will be a disaster.
Marriage advice is only good when given from a genuine platform.
And even then... please think thrice before giving it.
If I am sick and tired and my fiance reaches under my shirt to tickle my back we are not going to hell... and if we are, it sure is going to be a hell of a lot better than the place we would end up if we buttoned our shirts all the way up and didn't touch each other until our wedding night.
And that's all this girl has to say for one night... thanks for not burning me at the stake for saying "sex" so many time in one post. ;)
...I'm going to hell for that GIF too, aren't I? :)
And frankly, let's just get this out into the open. People don't like to talk about sex but for couples set on abstinence (for religious reasons or not) before marriage, there is a lot of struggle surrounding the topic and the way that many Christian environments foster the idea of purity and chastity frankly don't help it. When a person is brought up in a world where sex is a taboo topic, steady dating is prohibited until 16, the anatomical reproductive organs of a person are referred to with made up names such as "hoo ha", "wee wee", or "tookie" in order to avoid saying their actual names, and the other kids around them are messing around so much with sex that at school and in youth groups many discussions about it turn into either a shame fest or a "how badly can I scare this kids into keeping their pants zipped up" lecture, that when they finally enter the period of their life where these things aren't actually "bad" anymore it suddenly opens up the floodgates for repressed insecurities, fears, and paranoias.
Take all of these beautiful ingredients and mix them in a bowl of milk and honey and you create what I like to call the perfect storm.What I want to talk about a little bit is my experience and struggle as I have transitioned into this new phase of my life. How it's felt having those looks in response to the revealing of my age, the internal struggles I have dealt with coming from being a girl who'd never been kissed to a girl about four or five months later who is now finding herself dealing with desires she feels for the man she knows she is going to marry that she's never had to deal with before. How growing up in such a Christian centered home has influenced my feelings on intimacy and how living in the limbo of "it isn't allowed but you still need to be getting used to the idea" has been both healthy and debilitating.
Honestly, in my opinion... the thing that people don't get is one simple thing.
We are all doing the best we can.
The other day Taylor and I were therapeutically exchanging frustrating stories (i.e. venting....) about ignorant things people seem to not be able to stop themselves from saying and asking us lately and the following scenarios came up:-we can't tell you how many people have legitimately asked us either at church or school or work if we're sure we aren't just getting married for sex... I mean really people?
-the raised eyebrows followed by the, "wait... you guys are HOW OLD?"
-the classic, "let me tell you how to plan your wedding because you are going to regret doing everything that you are planning on doing... trust me, I know better"
-and my all time favorite, the "what I wish people had warned me about" wedding night horror stories people keep feeling the need to share.
All of these things piled up on each other have made it increasingly difficult to enjoy this stage of being engaged...this bizarre limbo of loving each other but still having to say goodbye, of needing each other but still not being able to fall asleep to the sound of each others' heartbeats. The ways we both grew up feeling about and being taught about intimacy have also made it difficult to enjoy being a couple.
The one time I got a hickey I literally wept and stayed up until one in the morning trying to freeze it off with toothpaste and an ice cube. Every time we are making out (TMI...? or have I passed that boundary already? ;)) and I feel his hand go just a teeny bit lower on the small of my back or when I find myself playing with the collar of his shirt I feel the need to throw him to the other end of the room and examine myself of any boundaries I may or may not have crossed which is MORE than unhealthy... it is debilitating. It leads to nights where I have to genuinely ask my fiance through sobs if he is sure that I'm not a whore and that God still loves me even though I sometimes think about our wedding night. It leads to unhealthy amounts of feeling the need to be perfect and monitoring oneself every waking (and sleeping) moment of every un-married millisecond of life. And frankly... it also distracts from the things that really matter: you and your soon to be spouse and the love that you share and the promises that the two of you are about to make with each other and with God.
Luckily I am engaged to the man I am engaged to because none of these things has gone even close to being undiscussed and not worked through, but I guess this is just my soap box and this is just my moment to rant and rave and throw my fists up in the air defiantly and beg the world to PLEASE just calm down.
Choosing not to have a wedding party does not mean that my wedding will be a disaster.
Marriage advice is only good when given from a genuine platform.
And even then... please think thrice before giving it.
If I am sick and tired and my fiance reaches under my shirt to tickle my back we are not going to hell... and if we are, it sure is going to be a hell of a lot better than the place we would end up if we buttoned our shirts all the way up and didn't touch each other until our wedding night.
And that's all this girl has to say for one night... thanks for not burning me at the stake for saying "sex" so many time in one post. ;)
2 comments:
WOOHOO! You go, girl! That is all I'm going to say :)
I love you. Just...I do. and the whole "where is the line when the line seems to thin and man do I just want to cross it just once" thing with staying up too late and making out, etc. TRUST ME. You're fine. :) I was having the same thoughts when Ian was here the last few weeks before the big day. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll make it.
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