If It's a Broken Glass Replace it, If it's a Broken Arm then Brace it, If it's a Broken Heart Then Face it.

Hello world... may I vent?
I know that I have already written today on the blogster. In fact it was only about an hour ago that I last wrote.

However, one little thing has happened that has turned my day inside out and on its axis and has diven me down to the dump.

Now it may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you, but to me its devestating and extremely lethal to my self esteem.

It's made me feel like my worth is less than others', and that I don't deserve to be a part of this world (not in the sense of alive-ness, but in the sense of contribution and productiveness... like I'd be better off being a vegetable).

You want to know what it is?

Tests.

Darn stupid timed expensive SAT, ACT, and AP tests.

I've been getting little envelopes over the past few weeks and each one just stabs me a little bit more, and I fold down just a little bit smaller.

On the ACT I feel like I could have done better had I paced myself. One the SAT I feel like I could have done better had I studied more.

However, for both of those two tests I felt pretty confident going in that I was mentally prepared and that I had enough knowledge to do decently. And while taking then I felt on fire! Except for maybe one of two sections I felt like I was getting just about every answer right and just flying through those tests! I felt confident that I had done well, despite my lack of praparedness.

I was wrong.
Very wrong.

In the words of my dad my SAT scores were that of, "What a football player would score".
I was devestated.

Not only in myself for setting myself up for failure by not studying, but also in questioning my intelectual success in general. If I did so terribly why did I feel like I was doing well while I was taking it? I mean, I felt so confident in taking those two tests that, despite my lack of studying, that I was doing a great job and that I knew the answers to the majority of the questions that were set before me.

Did that make me stupid?

I sure felt so... I still feel so.

And today I got the scores from my AP tests back at the begining of May. The ones that I had actually studied for. The ones that I ate, slept, and breathed during the months before in preparedness. The ones that I was sure to get a 4 on. I ripped open the envelope in excitement, ready for some good news finally and some reassurement that had I studied for my last two tests that I'd have scored higher.

I just about crumbled to the ground in dissapointment, and I couldn't hold back the tears.

I checked the envelope, the name, the school, the date, anything to say that it was a mistake!

I scored a measly 2 (a Possibly Qualified) on both my AP English and History tests.

According to the State of Arizona, I only possible qualify to succeed in school, I only possibly qualify to do hard things, I only possibly qualify to be counted among those in school who try hard and get what they want because they work for it.

But I DID work for it. I worked so hard that sometimes I broke a sweat in class trying to get those practice DBQs finished in time, and I stayed after school for study sessions. I quizzed my friends at lunch, and they quizzed me, and still after all of my hard work I only possibly qualify.

Words can't describe the the bitter dissapointment I'm feeling right now.
As of right now, I feel stupid and insignificant, and am wondering if maybe this is why I can never decide what I want to major in in college - because I'm not smart enough to even qualify for college.

As of right now I just want to give up.

As of right now I'm turning off the comment selection on this post. Because I don't want sympathy. I didn't write this post to try and get "Awwwwe, it's going to be ok"s, or "It's ok, we love you anyway"s, or "It's ok, I didn't even take those tests and look how far I got in life"s. If you were going to, then I appreciate it, but this post was merely for me.

To get my feelings out in words and to face the insecurities that I have always carried but never expressed and to come to the conclusion that I have to work a little bit harder than everybody else to get what I want.

And you know what? After writing all of that down I'm starting to feel better.

Now please excuse me while I go to the board of education and punch their faces in.

*Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz