My Decision to Stay Put: A Long Overdue Post

Hello lovelies, I know that I have been a bit of a lazy blogger as of late but hear me out. My time has been overly consumed by a.) School, and b.) Work... and when I'm not doing either of those things? Sleep. Definitely sleep.

But more than that I have been taking a lot of time for serious reflection and in strengthening my relationship with Heavenly Father. I have had some serious questions that I needed, not just wanted, answers to. I had been feeling spiritually stagnant and was ready to change that, and as part of that I decided that blogging wasn't a particular priority. Forgive me. :)

I, however, have had many sweet and tender experiences with my Savior over the past few weeks and my is so full it's ready to burst at the moment. I felt like it would be wrong of me not to write down the feelings and impressions I have been receiving, so please bear with me as I pour out a little portion of my heart in this post.


When this announcement was made nearly six months ago the world was astounded. I remember leaping over the couch for the remote to turn up the volume on our television set so as not to miss a single word. If you remember, I even wrote this post regarding my feelings towards serving a mission! I was excited, to say the least, but there was something else there as well...

Doubt. A hint, just flicker, that a mission perhaps wasn't for me.
This can't be! I'd think to myself. How on earth could the answers to my prayers inquiring missionary preparation be telling me NOT to serve a full time mission? I found myself fighting against these promptings and, in turn, having a more difficult time reading my scriptures, praying, and sitting through mission prep without bursting into tears afterwards or having mini anxiety attacks during role playing.
I felt so torn. So many of my friends had felt those same feelings I did back in October of 2012 and were filling out mission papers, receiving calls, and exclaiming their excitement to the world, so why wasn't I? I talked to so many people in mission prep who did not have the same feelings of anxiety and dread that I was feeling (feelings that I tried to assure myself were "normal"). What did they have that I didn't? Why wasn't the path that seemed right for everybody else fitting right with me? Why wouldn't the Lord answer me in the ways that I expected Him to?
What was even harder was trying to explain these thoughts and feelings to those around me who expected me to be just as gung ho about missionary preparation as everybody else. They'd excitedly ask me how long until I "put those papers in", or where I was hoping to serve. With every excited inquiry the knot in the bottom of my stomach grew tighter, and with each fake smile and with each rehearsed response I knew that something wasn't right. I was trying to make something work for myself that, for whatever reason, wasn't supposed to be working.
I was confused, frustrated, and had fallen out of my routine of scripture study and meaningful prayer that I had learned to rely on in those first few weeks after President Monson's apostolic announcement. I felt frightened and guilty. I asked the Lord why on earth I wasn't feeling prompted to do something that I knew was a good thing to be doing? "The Lord's never going to tell you NOT to serve; you'll always receive blessings for the time you spend on a mission"... that was the reassurance I always received from people. If God would never prompt me not to serve, were the promptings I was feeling then from Satan? Was there somehow something wrong with my testimony?
The answers were slow to come, and that was a hard pill to swallow. I remember many occasions after mission prep that my eyes would be too wet to decipher the words on the pages in my scriptures and my throat too choked up to utter a prayer and so I'd simply sit in tears with His words held tightly to my chest hoping that my inner turmoil would soon be put to rest. It was on one of those days that I received the first to many inspirations that would begin to slowly but surely open my understanding to God's current plan for me.
We had learned about prayer that day and how to teach it. During role play I came THIS CLOSE to being called on to teach in front of the entire group (a group large enough to fill up half the chapel) and I could have sworn my heart was going to give out from how hard it was pounding. I literally prayed NOT to be called on (which I of course felt guilty for afterwards) because I didn't think I could handle humiliating myself in front of a group of people who knew they were going to be serving and had been honing their teaching skills for a while now. In my personal reading during that day I had followed impressions that led me to draw connections between the books of Alma and Obadiah which related to the nature in which we ought to pray. Between those verses and the lesson on teaching prayer in mission prep I knew that my prayers could use some work. I walked out to my car in the GORGEOUS light drizzle, turned on the car, turned off the music, and tried to pray. With my arms folded and my heart oh so heavy I offered up what I thought was going to be a short, quiet prayer before I headed home. What I expected to be a thirty second prayer turned into a fifteen minute tearful conversation with God, one in which I applied as many of the tactics I had learned through the scriptures and in mission prep as I could remember.
One of my biggest questions in this prayer was to ask Heavenly Father why on earth I had been feeling so conflicted about the decision of whether or not to serve a full-time mission, and why I wasn't feeling peace with any of the decisions I was making. It seemed that no matter which path I considered going down I didn't feel good about it.
Did I receive a full out answer? No. :) What I DID receive was almost just as good though (almost). After I finally closed my prayer I felt something stopping me from turning the radio back on and back out of my parking space... I felt overwhelmingly impressed with a thought: You just spent fifteen minutes pouring your heart out to God and you're not going to wait for an answer? It was true. And that's what I did, I waited. And sure enough, a few minutes passed in silence when finally I heard distinctly the lyrics to a favorite hymn of mine, "Master the Tempest is Raging" playing through my head. As clear as day I could hear the words, "the winds and the waves shall obey they will, peace be still, peace be still... no water can swallow the ship where lies the master of ocean and earth and skies, they ALL shall sweetly obey thy will, peace, peace be still".
And so I continued in patience and tried my best to apply the principles taught in that hymn... but GOLLY was it hard! I watched one of my best friends leave on her mission, I saw countless Facebook statues announcing the arrivals of mission calls. I was broken up with by my almost-boyfriend of two and a half years on the same night that another one of my best girlfriends became engaged. Many prayers went (in my limited perspective) unanswered as I continued to study and plead for direction in my search for guidance.
Finally the thought came to me that I needed to talk to a priesthood holder about my wrestle, so I talked to my father. At first I was nervous. My dad had always been such a big advocate for me to serve, and I wasn't sure if he'd be disappointed to know that I had been struggling with the decision. My worries were soon put to rest, however, as we talked and as we talked some very important realizations were made.
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1. If there were things that I could feel were not right, then I needed to make changes until they STARTED feeling right again. I was going to start by deciding to stop going to mission prep classes.
2. Satan can not influence me when I have the spirit with me, so my promptings not to serve could not have come from him since they always came in times of deep spiritual reflection.
3. Just because I am deciding not to be called as a full-time missionary does not mean that I can't have a missionary impact here at home on non-members and friends who are struggling with their own testimonies. It isn't any more or less effective nor is it less important or noble.
4. Men are COMMANDED to serve missions. Women are ENCOURAGED.
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The more I began to follow these promptings, the more I began to feel peace again. Reading my scriptures began to be less of a chore and became an activity that I stopped reserving for right before bed. I would carry them around with me in the car and read them after class, before work, etc. I also made a point to mark at least ONE THING every time I opened them to read. My prayers became easier to say, and my connection with the spirit felt much more strong.
But I wasn't in the clear yet, no sir! Heavenly Father wasn't finished putting me through the refiners fire (I'm not even sure if he is done yet).
Last Sunday I had a very sweet chastening experience with the Lord involving fast and testimony meeting. I had been growing a bit impatient with the Lord's constant answers being instruction for me to be patient... it had been months and I was still nowhere closer to being able to definitively say whether or not I would be serving a mission! So as I sat there in fast and testimony meeting with my burning question weighing on my heart and mind it hit me...
We've all been there. That moment where your palms get sweaty, your heart speeds up, and you just KNOW that you're going to have to get up and bear your testimony? Well, I had not been planning on sharing my testimony at ALL that day. I had foolishly believed that Heavenly Father would answer my prayer by allowing me to hear somebody else's testimony. Well I did my best to push away the promptings of the spirit to go up and bear my testimony and my symptoms just got worse and worse. It started with sweaty palms, and then a racing heart. My legs got fidgety, and then so did my hands. Eventually I broke out in a full-body shiver that I couldn't shake (*snort*... no pun intended!). In despair I finally told Heavenly Father that He knew that I was one of His more introverted daughters and that I "didn't know what to say". And to that I received an answer clear as day inside my own head, "You don't have to know what to say, that's what I'm here for."
All at once it hit me... how could I have been so silly?!? This gospel isn't a passive gospel, if I want to be getting answers and heightened spiritual growth I need to be putting forth the effort in which to receive those things! I can't expect my answers without putting forth what Heavenly Father expects of me, and if what He expected of me was to bear my testimony then who was I to tell Him no? Spiritual stagnance isn't exactly what it sounds like... it's like riding a bicycle uphill. If you're not ascending, you're descending. By upping my game, bearing my testimony, and realizing that prayer isn't just for mornings/nights/mealtimes, and that scripture reading isn't just for bedtime/Sundays, and that I can have conversations with the Spirit at any time and that my influence reaches far outside of what I mean for it to be but into what He means for it to be... by realizing all those things have I been able to really receive my answers.
And those answers came by a few things.
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1. Prayer and LOTS of it. It's seriously been almost six months now and my answers are clear as a bell, but it took lots of sweat and tears on my part to get it that way.
2. The words of the prophets, both in ancient and modern text. I have found so much inspiration in pouring over General Conference talks and Mormon Messages just as I have in the scriptures.
3. My patriarchal blessing... lots of that.
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And so much more, but the answer has brought me so much peace.
Just as my best friend Mimi has felt an overwhelming feeling that her current calling is to prepare to serve a full-time mission (SO proud of her by the way), I have felt an overwhelming responsibility to my calling as a future mother to prepare myself to fill that roll. I've never pictured myself being a "young bride" nor is there anybody really in the picture as of now (don't get any ideas ;)) but as soon as I let myself realize that it's okay to not feel prompted to put my papers in I felt the beam of  my future as a mom so heavy on my shoulders.
I watched this video and them felt the responsibility that I have to make sure that my childrens' father is the best man he can possibly be... I have that choice, I owe it to my children not to marry anybody less that I know that they or I deserve.

 

I read the memoir of Stephanie Neilson and felt SO MANY overwhelming feelings where my spirit seemed to be shouting, "Jadyn! Follow her example!" I've read her blog since her accident in 2008 and have never ceased to be inspired by the woman and mother she is, but more so now than ever before I have felt such a burning inside of me to be better, not just for me, but for my children. I'm trying to instill in myself the things I know that I will need to foster in my sweet children. Heavenly Father will be trusting me with these beautiful spirits... I don't know how many, and I don't know how soon or far away... but I know that eventually He will, and when He does I'm going to be ready. Reading NieNie's words and watching her videos (especially these two) fill me up with so much excitement, so much pride to be a woman, so much faith in my Savior to make me the woman He needs me to be with my cooperation.

I'm lucky to live in the time that I do, with the knowledge that I have, in the body that I've been given and with the people I know. 

 

At first I thought that my answer to stay home and prepare for motherhood was foolish. I was afraid that it was "typically Mormon". I felt like it might be just a cop-out answer to get out of serving a mission. But now? After watching so many LDS broadcasts, after so many prayers, after so many nights of scripture reading, babysitting, pondering and receiving I know without a shadow of a doubt that THIS is my calling. 

So no, you should not be expecting any mission calls soon. As of right now I'm staying here. I'm finishing my AAS at Chandler Gilbert and earning my massage therapy certificate in the process. I plan on becoming Aromatouch certified through doTERRA and then am entertaining the thought of transferring to one of the BYUs... but who knows. :) The point is that my calling right now does not lie in any foreign countries. It lies right here in my silent but oh so active preparation to fill the role that my patriarchal blessing explicitly lays out as the most important thing I will ever do.

I feel oh so good about the decision that I have made.

I feel so peaceful.

I am so proud of my friends who have decided differently than I have and respect them for doing so.

It's been hard. Really hard. But the peace I fee now is worth it.

I am so thankful to have a knowledge of God and of this restored Gospel. I don't know of any other religions that believe in personal revelation and open communication with the divine as the LDS church does... and it is a beautiful thing. :)

So yes... this has been a bit of a long rant, but THAT is what has been taxing in my mind in the past month or so which is why there have been so few posts (an when there were posts... let's be honest... they weren't much). I hope you'll forgive that, because I'd like to think it was for a good cause. :)

So mission? No.

College? Yes.

That's the long and short of it. :)