Thoughts on an Empty Pregnant Stomach

I feel like my brain has been all over the place lately.

Like it's a flurry of emotion, love, fear, schedules, excitement, work, home, church, and just about everything in between.

Now that I am officially in the 3rd trimester things have felt more real, more heavy, more close.

My body feels pregnant, it aches more, it waddles now, it tires quickly.

The days on the calendar are drawing fewer and fewer and with that brings a blend of both excitement and fear.

I'm going to be a mother.

That sentence.

The most beautiful and terrifying thing I have ever written.

The movements in my belly bring me joy and comfort as well as worry.

Will I be a good mom?

Am I going to regret having this baby so early on in life?

Is the birth of my daughter going to adversely affect my marriage?

Will she love me?

Will I love her?

All of these things that always seemed so concrete in my brain growing up are now real considerations and with that comes the need to analyze.

And it's hard to plan for things when you have no idea how or when they will come to pass. ;)

I have no idea what her birthday will be.

I have no idea how big or small she will be, what clothes she'll fit in best, what diapers she'll wear the longest.

I don't know where we are going to live yet when she is born.

Our apartment is raising rent on us and with the end of our lease coming up in just a few short months, it's time to find a new place to go.

I want to organize and decorate and PREPARE.

None of that is possible yet.

I don't even think the whole "prepare" thing will ever be possible.

I think that this had been God's greatest lesson in my life.

From the moment I found out this sweet little girl existed I have been forced to rely on Him more than I ever have.

My trust and my faith and my strength have all been tested by Him through this journey so far and while it has been hard on me and hard on my marriage... it has made me so much stronger.

It has made my marriage so much stronger.

Yes, I'm very scared.

Yes, I know that everything will be absolutely okay.

The birth of my baby will be smooth and spiritual and beautiful.

She knows exactly how and when to be born and I am lovingly patient for it.

It's all going to be okay.

Very okay.