Life As It Is Today, In This Moment

Recently my motherhood experience has been transforming.

I'm starting to feel as though I'm finally truly loving it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I've loved my daughter since I felt her squirming inside me, but I didn't always love mothering or being a mother.

Gosh that feels strange admitting... but it's true.

When I got pregnant this dark cloud of anxiety and depression quickly became a constant companion, and with the birth of my sweet girl it slowly began to take over my life.

I remember one day in particular right after her first Christmas being especially dark. There was drama with my family, I felt overwhelmed, and it was the first real moment that I genuinely didn't like myself. I turned on the shower, climbed in, and almost immediately fell to the floor in tears.

I hated being me.

I hated my situation.

I hated having to grow up so fast and simultaneously watching all of my friends get to live their seemingly care free lives.

One friend serving a mission in Italy having the adventure of a life time, another friend in college seemingly going to Disneyland like... every other month, and another studying abroad in India... it didn't seem fair.

I was only 20 years old and here I was sitting in my shower, in my messy apartment, with engorged boobs, and still somehow bleeding from my vagina even though it had been eight weeks since I had given birth.

My birth was harder on me than I wanted it to be.

Motherhood was harder than I wanted it to be.

Life in general was harder than I wanted it to be.

I wanted to love adulthood, and marriage, and motherhood, but I just didn't and for that I hated myself.

It's taken time to come to terms with what I recognize now as my depression. 

It's taken more time to come to terms with what my life is now, and that the whole beautiful plan I had for myself will never be, it just can't anymore.

It's taken that time for me recognize that perhaps this new plan can be beautiful too if I let it.

And I really want to let it.

I'm starting to see through the fog little by little.

It's still there... but somehow the fight seems easier, and the load just a bit lighter.

It hasn't felt light in roughly two years.

Two. Long. Years.

I'm starting to burst with so much love for this little human I call mine that I can barely handle myself.

I can already tell I'm going to be one of those weepy moms...

My poor children.

I'm also starting to feel something I was convinced I'd never ever feel...

The itch for another baby.

When I held Olivia in that hospital room the night she was born I remember looking over to Taylor and telling him, "I am never doing this again".

And I meant it.

I remember when Olivia was about 6 months old getting together with some friends from high school whose babies were her age and listening to them talk about wanting more babies now that they have one and thinking, "Are you mad? You know exactly what all of this crap is like first hand now and you want to do it again???"

But recently my heart feels softer.

I'm less angry, less hopeless, less apathetic, and more and more I'll hear little thoughts in my head about the "next one"...

It's an exciting thing.

There's still time, but it's comforting to know that my heart hasn't stayed closed.

I'm glad it's opening again.

I've also started exercising again...

Dear heavens what a blessing that is!

I'm so immeasurably grateful for the influence in my life right now motivating me to be active (she knows who she is)!

I feel like I have the energy again to live life, and make my bed, and play with my daughter.

I'm finding joy again in tickles, and clean-up time, and reading that same story for the third time in a row.

Olivia is old enough to want to use utensils when eating, and pick out her own books for story time, and try to imitate words, and put away her toys before bed time. I'm in love with this beginning stage of toddlerhood. Despite the tantrums and the general frustrations of having a toddler, I love this new relationship I'm getting to build with her.

Really life is starting to have sunshine again, meaning again...

I was afraid the sunshine would never show its face again and yet here it is.

The war still isn't won, and there are days when the battle is tougher to fight.

I guess the difference now is that I no longer feel like I'm fighting blind folded and with a broken leg.

And I'm so excited to win this battle.

I'm so excited to discover the new me that is going to be born out of this new chapter of my life.

This chapter that I've been fighting against since the day I took that pregnancy test.

I've decided to let this chapter begin, thank the old chapter for being, and allowing this new me - this mom me - to have her time.

It's time to take some time to discover who this new person will be.

And that is an exciting proposition.